I can't figure out if pregnancy posts belong on my mom blog or our family blog, so this one is going on the mom blog because its contents could be disturbing to some people.
I hate my cervix. I had a doctors appointment earlier this week. My dr was going to do a cervical check and strip my membranes to get things moving with the whole labor process. She went in to check my cervix, and it is so tightly closed she couldn't even strip my membranes. Stupid cervix, closed up tight, and not even angled properly for birth giving. It is still pointing back instead of forward where it needs to be for the baby to come out. Did you even know they point backwards and then change angles at the end, I didn't until the night before my dr appointment when I read it in my book. My family all talks to my belly and tells the baby to come out. My sis-in-law Krit was doing it on Wednesday and I told her don't talk to the baby, talk to my cervix, she pretended to move my legs, it was pretty funny.
This appointment was on Tuesday, I have to go every week and the next opening my dr had was for the Thursday of the following week, the 22. My due date is the 24th, and the c-section is scheduled for the 26th, "just in case." I am really starting to lose hope that I am going to be able to do a VBAC. I want to so bad, and it's so important to me. I never thought I would care so much if I had to have a repeat c-section, but I don't want one. So badly I don't want one. I want to be able to have this baby naturally, I want to experience all the stages of labor. I want to know what it feels like to push a baby out of your body. I don't want to be high and drugged up and numb when my baby is sliced out of me. I want to be able to see the baby as it comes out of me. I even want to see the placenta after it is delivered. Is that weird? I have a child, and I've never seen a placenta, and I am really curious to know what it looks like. I don't want to be laying on a table shaking when my baby is cut out of me. I don't want to be laying in a recovery room for an hour or more before I can hold my baby. I don't want to be stuck with a catheter in and not be able to move from my bed (although when I had Simon it was nice not having to get out of bed to go pee, but that's because my abdomen had been sliced open and walking was nearly impossible). I don't want to have to yell at my husband and wake him up to shut the door every hour after the stupid nurse left it open after she checked my blood pressure. I would like to be able to get up myself and shut the door. I want to be able to laugh without it being extremely painful. I would like to be able to walk upright immediately, especially since I have stairs in my house. I can't remember how long it was after I had Simon before I felt like I could walk standing up straight, or even stand up straight.
I want and don't want a lot of things. But most of all I want a natural delivery and at the very least a vaginal delivery. I don't want to have another c-section. I want to prove to myself that I can do this, that my body can do this, and that I can have this baby in a normal way. I am just really losing hope. Every day that goes by without a single contraction is a day closer to that deadline I am trying to beat. That day the dr set that the baby needs to come out by.
I think if the baby hasn't come by my appointment next Thursday I will have Steve help me fight her again about the scheduled c-section date. I know that the due date of the 24th is wrong anyways and it's so frustrating. If you do the reverse from the due date to estimate the conception date it's December 25th through January 1st. Funny, my last period started on the 25th, so I know for a fact I was not having sex, and abstinence is 100% effective for birth control. It is impossible for us to have gotten pregnant then while I was on my freaking period and we were not having sex! But if you go with a due date of October 1st, well then it is possible and makes plenty of sense that we got pregnant then. Hooray for vacation baby made in Belize! So it just really sucks knowing we are getting shorted a week on the due date, and that this baby really has to come early, like almost a week early to make it out before the c-section. Which is possible, babies are born early all the time, but they are also born late all the time too. Simon came 5 days early, but that doesn't mean this one will. And even if he does come 5 days early, early based on when his due date SHOULD have been means a day after the scheduled c-section date. Sigh...
This was a good little vent for me. I have been majorly stressing about all this and it's nice to be able to type it all up and get it out. Steve hears it from me all the time, feels the same as I do, and is also giving up hope like I am, which makes it hard. How do you keep hoping for something that you want to badly, but your dr is basically setting you up to fail at?
On a side note, all day yesterday and this morning Steve and I both noticed the baby was moving considerably less than normally and we were kind of worried about it, so we called the dr office and talked to the nurse about it. She was rude and condescending but we went in to the office anyways and got hooked up to some monitors to listen to the baby's heartbeat and check for contractions. Heartbeat was fantastic, absolutely no contractions, the nurse was super rude to us and made us feel stupid for coming in, but the dr at the practice was really nice and told us it's better to come in when we are worried than be like a person who hadn't felt their baby for a week and didn't come in! The nurse even said to us, "You know the baby does need to sleep sometimes, it's not awake all the time and isn't going to be moving constantly." Uh yeah, we know it sleeps, but we also know how much he normally moves and that he was barely moving yesterday even after I ate tons of sugar and stuff, he would move a teeny bit if we were poking at him, but it just wasn't his normal movements and it freaked us out a little. And when we left the dr office the nurse totally said, "Bye Kari," in a very biotchy tone of voice and just seemed so annoyed with us the entire time we were there. She was the first person on that staff to ever be rude to us, except our very first appointment when the receptionist treated us like trash and told us we should go to the Pregnancy Center (a clinic for non-insured people and Medicaid) because I wasn't showing up on Steve's insurance yet even though I should have been. We just paid cash for the appointment and ignored her because we knew we had good insurance. So good in fact that it covers 100% of maternity- ha take that Stacy! Sorry for this last little rant, guess I am just a little annoyed and needing to express it, thanks for hanging in there with me for that!
Anyways, if you could please keep us in your prayers and if you want to suggest ways to ripen the cervix and get labor started go for it, though our dr says the only thing that works for ripening the cervix is sex. And I am doing evening primrose oil too and eating pineapple even though the dr says there is no point. And I'm not gonna try castor oil, sorry, but I don't think that I am going to be desperate enough to do that to myself.
Til We Meet Again | One Year Later
2 years ago